Sexy is Not the Rent I Pay to Exist as a Woman, Except When It Is
I hate the word 'sexy'. I hate how pervasive it is, and how often it becomes a series of hackneyed tropes women are expected to nimbly navigate when it comes to dress, behavior, lifestyle, and hobbies. I hate how much of an expectation it's become for women whether or not they are interested in it, and I hate how automatically people assume that's it is a woman's intention when she's just trying to be about her business.
Hijab can be a vehicle for removing expectations of performing sexuality. Men look at me and understand, most of them, that I am not a consumable good. The other side of that coin is that hijab often comes with a set of expectations which can be just as heavy and hard to navigate because the Ideal Muslimah thing is real, and requires just as much emotional labor as sexy does.
Being a woman means constantly living with the male delusion that every single aspect of my appearance is designed to center men. That I am dressing to entice them or repel them. That my body is a canvas on which they can project their needs and desires, and imagine that I am dressed like this to fulfill a need of theirs, and that line of thought is scary because it sometimes turns to violence when women are unwilling or unable to be what men have decided they need them to be.
Women will be free when society acknowledges them to be main characters of their own stories. As complete people with complex inner lives, opinions, and desires that do not always relate to men or children, to caring for other people or making others an endless priority at the expense of our own dreams and goals.
If you want to be an ally to women stop flattening us by expecting us to put the male gaze first and then see who we become.
Hijab can be a vehicle for removing expectations of performing sexuality. Men look at me and understand, most of them, that I am not a consumable good. The other side of that coin is that hijab often comes with a set of expectations which can be just as heavy and hard to navigate because the Ideal Muslimah thing is real, and requires just as much emotional labor as sexy does.
Being a woman means constantly living with the male delusion that every single aspect of my appearance is designed to center men. That I am dressing to entice them or repel them. That my body is a canvas on which they can project their needs and desires, and imagine that I am dressed like this to fulfill a need of theirs, and that line of thought is scary because it sometimes turns to violence when women are unwilling or unable to be what men have decided they need them to be.
Women will be free when society acknowledges them to be main characters of their own stories. As complete people with complex inner lives, opinions, and desires that do not always relate to men or children, to caring for other people or making others an endless priority at the expense of our own dreams and goals.
If you want to be an ally to women stop flattening us by expecting us to put the male gaze first and then see who we become.
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